Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
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