I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
