If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Man, jail baloney is awful.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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