LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
