So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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