My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
