Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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