I cut my penus on the lid.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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