My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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