Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
