They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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