Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i want to swaddle you in tequila
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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