Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
