Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
No stitches, just platelets and will power
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
