the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
