Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Your dad touched me again.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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