I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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