Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
