Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
