You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
