He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
