Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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