My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
