If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
