I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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