Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
