things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
