I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
