I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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