I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
