the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
