No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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