Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
