Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
