that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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