Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Do you remember whose house we're in?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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