Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
