The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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