Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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