he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
