so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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