Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
