I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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