So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
