I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
