I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
