well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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