Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
