It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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