Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize