I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize