I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
