Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My hand turned me down
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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