I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
