Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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