**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
