What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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