You work out of a Hotel?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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