I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
