I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
