Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
