So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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