he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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