Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
