I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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